Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
