i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
