im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
