I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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