I met the friendliest cop last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
