Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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