the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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