College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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