no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Vodka?
Forever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
