I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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