i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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