the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
