Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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