R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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