Someone shit on the floor
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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