people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
