I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
