btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize