just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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