I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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