I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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