I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
