He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
