chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
