Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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