I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
