Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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