There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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