Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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