12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
