The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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