Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
