I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
