Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
