Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
