So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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