please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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