You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
