i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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