she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
