Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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