just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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