She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
