Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
