I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
