I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
