Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
