But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
