my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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