Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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