Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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