i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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