someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
