Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
