now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
