I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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