I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
