if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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