We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
