my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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